enlisted.

10 THINGS I THINK WHILE ON A PLANE

I recently wasted the majority of my day on a plane, where I had a lot of time to do absolutely fucking nothing. I found myself having the same ten inner dialogues over and over…

1) No thank you, terrorists, for prompting all the liquid restrictions at security.  I would have totally loved to take a water bottle filled with vodka into this bitch, college style. 

2) What state am I above and can I say I’ve been there because I’ve hovered over it? I should ask someone I respect about this upon reaching my final destination. I would ask the person to my right, but he vaguely smells of a garage and is eating what appears to be a tuna-and-mayonnaise sandwich out of a ziplock bag.

3) No one fart. Please, for the love of God, no one fart.

4) Person to my left, I am sending you brain waves to WAKE THE FUCK UP. I have to pee so bad, and if you don’t move my bladder will explode all over your action-adventure-mystery-romance novel. Please don’t turn me into the kind of person who has to wake up a total stranger.

5) Don’t talk to me. Please don’t talk to me. I don’t want to be talked to. I have a date with Tha Carter III and don’t care about your niece or your wife or your golf handicap. Did I mention I’m dating Lil Wayne?

6) Not to sound like a self-important, pseudo-intellectual stoner, but we’re, like, a trillion miles up in the air right now. Why is everyone acting like this is a given, bro? 

7) The bathroom smells potently of pee. Like, more so than most bathrooms. Is this because it’s small? Or because there’s a lack of fresh air? Why the hell am I wasting my time thinking about this bathroom? I don’t care about this bathroom at all.

8) Being here reminds me of that one hostel I stayed at in Poland–the sleeping conditions are shockingly subpar, there’s an uncomfortable amount of overweight men, and I have zero idea where the hell I actually am. I wonder if this flight attendant will serve me a pierogi.

9) Who is this nameless, faceless pilot anyway? I’m putting my life in the hands of a total stranger and I don’t even know anything about him. Does he have children? Hobbies? A heart for under-appreciated theatre? A subtle eye twitch? What’s his deal anyway???

10) Forget physical strength and the power of language–body odor is truly the greatest human weapon.

5 Things I Actually See in New York City on a Regular Basis

When friends and family visit me from the suburbs, they tend to point out happenings that I don’t even notice anymore. As I walk along my merry way, they’ll say things like, “Look, a tranny with eighteen eyebrow piercings and a parrot!” or “Did you see that old wizard-looking man with the lightsaber???” My consistent response: “Nope, didn’t even notice.” So much weird shit goes on in my neighborhood (SHoUt oUt tO tHa eAsT villAgE) that for all I care, a crack addict singing in a pink silk robe might as well be a potted plant. For those who haven’t yet seen my weird world, I’d like to offer you a small glimpse into the gross, disturbing, and surprising things I encounter on a daily basis.

1) Homeless Men Masturbating

This is half horrifically sad and half inexcusably disgusting. On one hand, if you have no choice but to masturbate in public, you’ve redefined the phrase “rock bottom” and I can’t help but pity you. On the other hand, STOP MASSAGING YOUR DICK BEFORE I BARF ON IT. Speaking of barf…

2) Vomit

It would appear that in the five-block radius surrounding my apartment, everyone and their mother either has bulimia, a severe drinking problem, or a relentless stomach virus. Disturbingly enough, it’s not only shitfaced 20-something-year-old hipsters drinking too many whiskey sours who contribute to this problem–a few weeks ago, I actually witnessed a middle-aged woman vomit on the sidewalk while holding her five-year-old child’s hand. You know it’s a broken world when parents can’t even manage to blow chunks in the comfort of their own homes.

3) Men Shamelessly Propositioning Me on the Streets

Honestly, for people who more than likely don’t have college degrees, these men are impressively creative with their unsolicited compliments. Phrases like “What’s hattenin’ with you fair snow bunny?” and “I want you to really enjoy this beautiful day, beautiful, you beautiful” are the stuff that contemporary poetry is made of.

4) Shit

I will say one thing and one thing only about this: I often can’t tell whether the feces I nearly step on belong to an animal or to a human being. That is all.

5) Couples Having Reality TV-worthy Fights

Girl with drawn-on blue eyebrows and scrunchy tube skirt: “IF YOU WANT THAT CUBAN ASS BITCH’S ASS GO HAM ON IT!! SEE IF I GIVE A FUGG!!!!! I DON’T NEED YOU OR YOUR SMALL TINY LITTLE SMALL DICK!!!!!!!!!!!” Me: Pardon me, lovers, but I just need to scoot past you here to grab some toilet paper in the Duane Reade. Thanks and enjoy the rest of your day-date!

5 Jobs I Will Absolutely Never Take No Matter How Desperate I Get

As someone in the world of acting, writing, and comedy, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m probably gonna have some weird-ass, random jobs in the future. However, that doesn’t mean I’ve resigned my standards. Here I stand before God and the Internet, vowing there are five jobs I will absolutely never take, no matter how desperate I get.

1) Driving a Party Bus

This job requires you to be three things at all times: sober, focused, and responsible for the lives of young people. I am hardly willing to be these things under normal circumstances, LET ALONE while Ke$ha is playing and free booze is being doled out. The poor people who have decided this career track is worth it need a hug, or at least a packet of earplugs and some disinfectant.

2) Serving at a Restaurant where they I.D. everyone, even the 80-year-olds

This job would necessitate that you have the same conversation over and over until you just gave up and drowned yourself in a vat of cheesy spinach dip. “May I see your I.D. sir? Yes, you heard me correctly, we I.D. everyone. Oh, I’m glad you’re flattered! You don’t look a day over 40! Bla bla bla barf!!” Also, a secondary concern: this kind of place has to have terrible management, right? I mean, if they insist you I.D. 80-year-olds, what else are they insisting on behind the scenes–boot camp drills? Forced marriages? No Shave Novembers? The possibilities are horrifically endless.

3) Personal Assisting

No thank you on doing menial bullshit for a rich person.I’m annoyed enough when I have to purchase personal hygiene products for myself or deal with my own money things; why would I want to complete these tasks for someone else? Plus, this “someone else” is most likely a total raging asshole, or at least enough of a douche to make you sad they own 3 vacation homes.

4) Being Chris Brown’s Travel Agent

I realize there is a very slim chance this opportunity will pass my way, but it’s worth mentioning because he would be THE MOST FRUSTRATING CLIENT. Have you heard “International Love”? In a song whose title contains the word “international,” he literally only names New York, L.A., and Miami. As his travel agent, I imagine him calling me and saying “I’m tryna go somewhere rull lush and exotic. You got anything in Des Moine where the sun shine?” at which point I would reply, “Yes, the lawns of the county correctional center. Let’s hasten the inevitable before the world has to suffer from your ignorance any longer.”

5) Dog Walking

I understand why people fall into this gig–after all, “who doesn’t love animals!!!!!!!” and “it’s so flexible!!!!!” However, let’s shove aside our visions of rolling around in a lush park with a baby labradoodle and actually examine the facts: your sole task is to drag around 10 animals on 10 separate leashes with the intentions of coaxing them to piss. If this situation doesn’t make you question your self-worth, nothing will.

5 Savvy Ways to Get Settled Into a New City

If I worked for Cosmo (a girl can dream…..), I would write THIS ARTICLE about hot sexy ways to get settled into your new city!!!!!!!

1) Be drunk for the first 5 days straight!

 When you first arrive, hit the bars! This way, you’ll be too hungover the next day to even think about unpacking. Then–this part’s key–make the same choice the next night! Come on, you don’t need to know exactly where your clean underwear and toiletry products are–just keep fishing in the bottomless pit that is your sexy awesome suitcase!!!

2) Make sure to own lots of books but no book case!

This way, you’ll have tons of shit and NOWHERE TO PUT IT!!!

3) Lose little things along the way!

Make sure to inexplicably lose tons of shit in between point A and point B! I recommend letting go of the little things, like your dinky plastic coffee filter (bonus points–this renders the entire coffee maker useless!!!), or your brush, leaving you with a 24/7 tousled, saucy bedroom look!

4) Put off both grocery shopping AND joining a gym!

You may be disheveled, but at least you’ll be fat!

5) Throw your money around like you’re P. Diddy!

Hell yeah you can afford several Manhattan-priced cocktails every night! Who cares if this mojito costs more than any sane person should spend on an entire meal! IT’S TIME TO CELEBRATE BECAUSE OMG YOU’RE IN A NEW CITAYYYYY AND YOURE A GRRRLLLL AND YOU LOVE ALCOHOL DRINKS THAT CONTAIN MEDDLED FRUIT AND FRESH HERBS!!

(On an ending note, number 6 would be “act like a total bitch to your blog by ignoring all its calls/texts for a whole month” but that part stops now. New York City’s awesome, by the way. I may still be living amongst boxes, but I’m a total happy idiot. I tRuLy aM a cOsMo gRL nOw…drEaM cUm tRuE. <3)

5 THINGS PEOPLE CALL “FUN” THAT ARE NEVER ACTUALLY FUN

When someone states that something will be fun, my vision is immediately blurred by about 43 different red flags. There is a simple reason for this: things that are inherently fun never need to be identified as such. You never hear anyone say, “Hey, trip to Europe anyone? It could be fun!” or “Come on, let’s eat pizza, get drunk, then eat pizza again…it’ll be fun!” because it goes without saying that these things are enjoyable. While I’m never a fan of anything being labeled a good time, I’m particularly baffled when people suggest doing the following things, offering the argument, “Hey! They’ll be FUN!”:

1)   Going to a party/bar where you don’t know anyone

If a friend ever states, “I know we don’t know anyone, but let’s just go – it’ll be fun” it is imperative that you translate their words into the following: “I’m going because this guy/girl I’m trying to bang might be there.” DO NOT GET DRAGGED INTO THIS TRAP. You will just end up feeling that mixture of bored and uncomfortable that ends up in DRRRRUUUUNNNNKKKKKKK and then you will most likely puke on your shoes.

2)   Bowling

I just can’t understand why anyone would want to lug socks from home, rent out stiff shoes that smell like middle school, eat subpar nachos (emphasis on the subpar), and chuck some dangerously heavy balls down an alleyway. I hate to be this guy, but aren’t we a little old for this? If not, perhaps a bit too sober?

3)   Running a marathon

Do people even do this for fun? In all seriousness, why again do people do this?

4)   Taking on an elaborate DIY project

OOOOO, let’s add studs to these pants! Let’s dye and cut all the tops I have from the 7^th grade to make them hip again! Let’s paint our entire, hugeass living room a bright tangerine color! OR LET’S NOT BECAUSE TEN MINUTES IN I’M CONFUSED, SWEATING, HUNGRY, AND FILLED WITH REGRET. And now I own pants with studs down one leg. Useless.

5)   Concert/movie/play that just isn’t up your alley

“Branching out” seems like something a cultured human being should want to do. I should want to attend that ska festival that my friend’s cousin has free tickets to. I should want to see that action flick with all the Oscar buzz and gRaDe A h0tt1ez. I should want to attend that community theatre piece about the historic Native American struggle. But I don’t, and once I get there, I still don’t. Then I just want to leave and listen to Drake in the comfort of my own home, which I recognize is pretty much the opposite of all the activities I just named.

Perhaps all the angsty teenagers had it right in their myspace profiles when they said “Do wUt u Luv N fUcK tHa rEst.” When faced with something that “should be fun!!!!!” I think I’ll fuCk tHa rEst and do something I truly enjoy, like eating a grilled cheese sandwich while watching Family Guy or going to Forever 21 in order to buy the cheapest thing in the accessories section. I really gotta hand it to myself: I think I’ve figured the whole “fun” thing out on my own terms.

7 POPULAR RAPPERS AND THE PERSONAS THAT MADE THEM STARS

Like snowflakes wearing grills or constellations surrounded by bitches, no two rappers are alike. Each contains certain traits that set him apart from the rest and often, these traits bring untouchable star power.  It goes without saying that THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC IN CONTEMPORARY DISCOURSE, which is why I will now map these distinctive qualities out for you as I see fit.

1) EMINEM: THE MURDEROUS WHITE MAN

I will unconditionally love Eminem until the day I die, but I have no problem stating that anyone who gets involved with him, either platonically, sexually, or otherwise, is a huge fucking idiot. HELLO, HE’S GONNA KILL YOU. Even on the off chance that you make it out alive, you will be disabled in some way, shape, or form. I like to take my Eminem at a safe distance–meaning blasting his tracks while driving down the California coast or on the subway in New York City, far from the back alley in Detroit where he is most likely beating 9 people to a pulp after robbing the local pharmacy of its entire pill inventory.

2) LUPE FIASCO: THE PIOUS CHRISTIAN

I don’t think Lupe Fiasco has publicly stated he’s a devout Catholic, but let’s take a moment to examine the facts: his hits thus far have involved the rush of being in the spotlight, the joys of skateboarding, and the importance of empowering kids everywhere to believe in their dreams regardless of race, location, and socioeconomic status. I will now beg the obvious question: IS “LUPE FIASCO” ACTUALLY THE POPE’S RAP ALTER EGO?

3) DR. DRE: THE ANGRY GRANDPA

Dr. Dre has been there, done that, AND HE IS PISSED ABOUT IT ALL. I like to imagine him as a slightly senile badass, rocking back and forth in a room wallpapered with gold 100 dollar bills, angrily muttering, “You kids with your God Damn autotunes and your Wiley Lady Gagas….your filthy clubbin’ Tyler Cruises….your…WHERE THE DEVIL’S MY COLT 45”

4) LUDACRIS: THE FLAILING SCREAMING IDIOT

I’m fairly certain this needs no further explanation.

5) DRAKE: THE SENSITIVE SOUL

He thinks you’re pretty with no make up on, wants to find your love AND your heart, and he played a kid in a wheelchair on Degrassi. He only uses the term “bitch” in order to refer to other male rappers (which is unfailingly hilarious, by the way) and he has no qualms about admitting his insecurities. He’s like Will Smith if Will Smith had an ounce of sex appeal (to those of you who don’t understand and/or disagree with this comparison, I offer you five words: Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Case Closed.)

6) LIL WAYNE: THE PLAYFUL, STUBBORN, SEXUALLY ACTIVE PRETEEN

Like a fun-loving 10-year-old, Weezy’s just out to have a good time–he spends all day sippin’ on syrup, smokin’ weed, and laughing at his own jokes. He’s convinced he’s right 100% of the time–he vehemently believes he’s the best rapper alive (I won’t dispute this statement, but hey–some might) and he refuses to acknowledge the fact that there are legal limitations involving weed and firearms. And if you’ve ever heard even half of one of his songs, the sexually active part needs no further explanation. This all goes to support my argument that the “F” in Weezy F. Baby probably stands for “Fucking Stupid Yet Inexplicably Totally Genius.”

7) JAY-Z: THE BOSS

When rappers make claims you often don’t believe them–for instance, I don’t “want you” Pitbull so PLEASE STOP MAKING ME GAG, and I can pretty much guarantee that ladies don’t love Cool J considering he NAMED HIMSELF LADIES LOVE COOL J. However, when Jay-Z tells you he’s a boss, you sit there and you think-WELL PUT, Jay-Z. Well fucking put.

The truth is becoming undeniably clear: listening to rap is like playing Pokemon. No two characters are alike, GOD DAMMIT YOU’VE GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL, and at a certain point there’s no turning back: you’re in it to win it. (No literally, I’m in it to win Lil Wayne. If anyone has thoughts on how to make this happen, please contact me at your earliest convenience. That’s all, b1tchez N h0eZ.)

15 QUESTIONS I ASK MYSELF AT A BAR

Bars fascinate me. The drinks cost 4 times as much as they should, the music is never quite what you had hoped it would be, and everyone seems to be there to either a) hook up or b) get married, but the a’s rarely meet the a’s and God knows the b’s NEVER meet the b’s. These are universal truths that we all know and understand, yet we keep comin’ back week after week, like cows to the crowded, dimly-lit, Taio Cruz-playing slaughter. No matter what bar in what city I’ve found myself in, my inner monologue tends to be pretty much the same. Here, I present you with a small sample of the queries that pop into my head every weekend when it’s time to pAiNt thE tOwN:

1)   Why is every single male here wearing a striped collared shirt? Does this place have a uniform I should be aware of?

2)   Am I actually expected to talk to anyone other than the small group of people I came with? Seriously?

3)   I’m sorry, this 8-ounce watery vodka concoction is costing me HOW MUCH? I COULD BUY 2 BURRITOS FOR THAT PRICE. OH MY GOD, BURRITOS….

4)    WHY DID I WEAR HEELS. THIS NIGHT WAS NOT WORTH WEARING HEELS FOR

5)   Do people know I’m being semi-ironic when I shake my ass like this? I am being semi-ironic when I shake my ass like this, right? 

6)   At what point can I tell this sweaty-faced spiky-haired male that I have a boyfriend? Is it uncouth to suggest that the girl in the scrunchy turquoise dress featuring the exposed ass cheek might be more his speed?

7)   Where EXACTLY is the nearest late-night pizza place and how EXACTLY can I get there?

8)   Judging by tonight’s music selection, is it reasonable to assume that not everyone hates Lady Gaga as much as I do? WORK WITH ME HERE PEOPLE, THE WOMAN WEARS DRESSES MADE OF MEAT

9)   Why do girls shop at Forever 21 if they don’t know how to do it correctly? It’s a fine art, you know

10)   At what point is it socially acceptable to order a couple rounds of “bar snacks” acting as if they’re for the group but really looming over them as if I haven’t eaten since I was 12?

11)   Why is it that the drunker I get the more normal it seems to take team trips to the girls’ bathroom?

12)   How many times this week will I have scrambled eggs for dinner in order to pay for this ginger pear mojito? On a more philosophical note, WHY DID GOD MAKE POOR CHOICES TASTE SO DEVILISHLY GOOD

13)   My eyeliner is taking a road trip down south isn’t it? REMIND ME AGAIN WHY I EVEN BOTHER WITH MAKEUP

14)   Can we go home now?

15)   Wait, we’re going home?? HOLD ON I THINK I NEED ANOTHER DRINK

Clearly, I have a lot of questions. There are more, too. I would tell you about them, but I think I’ll spare you the time and energy–after all, I’m betting we all had a late night out at the…well, you know.

5 FOOD RELATED THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF

There are only a few instances in which food brings me pain and suffering as opposed to comfort and pleasure. They are a) when I’m forced to eat a bad example of one of my favorite foods–that feeling is pretty much akin to finding out that Santa Claus isn’t real b) when slowly but surely my jeans get so tight that I have a hard time walking OOPS ; ) ; ) ; ) and c) when people just generally fuck with the art that is eating. Today, I would like to discuss the category that is “c.” So here it is–the strange food items and even stranger approaches to eating that totally, lyke, pi$$ m3 0ff!

1)   Wraps

Every time I’ve attempted to give the whole “wrap” thing a go, I take a mere three bites before wondering WHY MY SANDWICH IS HIDING INSIDE OF A BURRITO. FOR WHAT REASON HAS IT CHOSEN THIS DISQUISE? The thing is this: If I want a burrito, I’ll order a burrito. If I want a sandwich, I’m gonna have a sandwich. Why you gotta go and make things so complicated (I see the way you’re acting like you’re somebody else makes me frustrated)??????

2) Small Fancy Desserts

What the hell is this golf-ball-sized fruit-filled thing doing on my plate, and why does it look like it’s dressed up to go to Cinderella’s ball? Am I supposed to eat it or am I supposed to put it in an expensive glass box and place it on a mantle? Where, more importantly, is the giant gooey brownie with delicious and mysterious chunks in it that would actually pass for a legitimate savory treat? I have a lot of questions.

3) People who drizzle their fries with ketchup before eating them

What makes you think you’re getting all those fries covered evenly? What makes you think there’s not gonna be one fry with way too much ketchup on it and many fries with not nearly enough? DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A WIZARD?

4) The popular “take your oreo apart, lick the center, then eat the cookie” approach

I know the cream filling is good, but why must you lap it up like a wild cat and then begrudgingly eat the chocolate cookies afterward as if it’s some sort of punishment? Don’t you realize that these two foods have been sandwiched together because they taste like religion when you eat them simultaneously? I know I’m making a controversial statement here, but I really believe this is a case where you should just take things as they come. (The opposite case rests in the cupcake, where your best choice is clearly to take half the bottom off and smoosh it on top, thus creating a cupcake sandwich, frosting-in-center. I know what you’re eating for second-dinner.)

5) People who eat pizza with a fork

What do you think this is, a pan-seared soy-glazed rack of lamb??? IT’S A PIECE OF GODDAMN PIZZA. I DON’T CARE IF YOU TACO IT, BURRITO IT, GRIND UP ON IT, WHATEVER, JUST TAKE THE METAPHORICAL ARGYLE SWEATER OFF FROM AROUND YOUR SHOULDERS AND SHOVE THE THING INTO YOUR MOUTH BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS OFFENDED.

In fact, next time YOU’RE offended by the kind of cereal bowl someone owns (WHY DIDN’T YOU GET ONE WITH A HEFTIER DIP YOUR MILK’S GOIN’ ERRYWHERE) or the carelessnesss with which a person is holding their burrito (YOU’RE LOSIN’ SOME GOODIES FROM THE BOTTOM YA DUMMY), say something. Be like HEY YOU! YEAH YOU! I’M TRYNA EAT HERE, YA KNOW!  After all, it only takes one determined person to change the world.

Feeling inspired? Good. Now-I’ma go eat some dinner.

7 REASONS TO BE STOKED YOU LIVE IN AMERICA

The great thing about the 4^th of July is that it gives you a shameless excuse to celebrate the best things about America–excessive food intake, loud noises, and flagrant laziness being the top 3 that come to mind. But, believe it or not, that’s not all we have to thank our grand country for–on this 4^th of July, let us also remember the little things that make America such a solid place to live, like…

1) Speaking English

English is like the security blanket of languages–sure, it may be filled with holes, covered in peanut butter, and encrusted with words like “babelicious” and “slizzard,” but its still comforting to land in any number of first-world countries and have the ability to communicate. Thanx for that one 3nGLanD! ; ) ; ) ; )

2) Being located just north of Mexico

Immigration debates can really be a downer, but GOD DAMN TACO PLATTERS ARE AWESOME

3) We hold the world record for the fastest mile run while wearing swim fins

It’s important to have priorities.

4) Baseball

SYKE do I look like i give a shit about baseball??? KEEP UP WITH ME HERE PEOPLE

5) Burgers and fries

Burger + heap of fries = magic trick in your mouth, and in my experience, the U.S. is the only place you can find it done right. This weekend, think about this devastating disadvantage the rest of the world is facing as you stand over your 400-pound electric grill feeling proud of what you’re capable of doing with fire.

6) Vanessa Hudgens

Because it’s important to have something to laugh at.

7) Target

You can literally buy dairy products, children’s sports gear, patio furniture, pants, and all the Christmas trees your SUV can handle AT THE SAME TIME. Borderline concerning? Maybe. Indisputably awesome? Yeah. Yeah, it is.

So, armed with reasons 5 through 11 to smile this 4^th of July (1 through 4 being people you love, beer, sun, and the ability to haphazardly throw explosives around), get your swimsuit on, load “Party in the U.S.A.” onto your iPod (yeah, I went there), and go have yourself a grand ol’ spankin’ stars-and-stripes firecrackin’ good time, ya hear???

TOP 5 WORST KINDS OF FACEBOOK FRIENDS

Most of us know there is a little something out there called Facebook etiquette, which consists of unspoken rules such as DON’T CHANGE YOUR PROFILE PICTURE EVERY DAY UNLESS YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A MYSPACE OBSESSED MIDDLE SCHOOLER and IF YOU’RE LIKING SOMEONE’S STATUS YOU HAVEN’T TALKED TO IN 7 YEARS YOU’RE TOWING A FINE LINE, YA CREEP! These kinds of occasional faux pas are usually forgivable, though; after all, alcohol exists, so hey–we’ve all been there. However, there are some Facebook behaviors bad enough to make me downright, oh my god, I’m-probz-gonna-talk-shit-about-you-to-my-brother-or-my-cat annoyed, and interestingly enough, the perpetrators always seem to be the same. In my experience, there are five kinds of awful Facebook friends–the types that keep knockin’ at your online door, bringin’ the virtual douche. They are:

1) The Complainer

You know the type: they’re constantly claiming that “things just don’t seem to be getting better…</3” or that they’re “looking for hope in every corner but only finding regret : (” For the love of God, get up off of your ass and take a brisk walk or phone a friend, would you? After all, I’ve got my own shit to deal with like WHO ATE MY LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD and WHY DON’T I OWN A BEARDED WIZARD WHO FORWARDS MONEY INTO MY OVERDRAFTED BANK ACCOUNT ON A CONSISTANT BASIS

2) The Model

If you model on the side (OUR LIVES ARE VERY DIFFERENT) and have a little album dedicated to your professional pictures, fine; this means I can gawk at them when I feel ready and willing, but don’t need to see them when I’m having the sort of day where my jeans won’t pull up past my thighs. However, if my newsfeed is constantly flooded with crisp photos of you prancing in meadows with your hair looking like gold leaf and your skin glowing like the eternal light of God, please have some mercy and stop while you are very obviously ahead. My patience, self-esteem, and in-between-dye-jobs unbrushed hair can only take so much.

3) The Checks-in-Everywhere Type

CONGRATZ ON GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE!!!! WHAT’S IT GONNA BE NEXT, THE COUCH IN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER’S BARELY FURNISHED BASEMENT?? A PUBLIC PARK??? THE SHOPPING CENTER NEAR THE HOUSE YOU GREW UP IN???? WHATEVER IT IS, BE SURE TO KEEP US ALL IN THE KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

4) The Shameless Self-Promoter

To be fair, there are two kinds of self-promoters that I don’t mind at all; they are 1) my actual friends and 2) people who are doing really cool things that align with my interests. However, if you’ve recently taken up an innovative type of weaving and are trying to get your pillowcase company off the ground, PLEASE STOP MESSAGING ME. My feelings toward you grow more violent with every “GUYZ CHECK OUT MY NEW CUDDLY SQUIRREL TEXTILE COLLECTION!!!!!!!!!” addition to my inbox.

5) The Show Off

An occasional status updated regarding something cool that just happened to you is well within the boundaries of acceptable Facebook behavior. However, if I find myself constantly being alerted to the 12 star hotel you just checked into, the elaborate meal you just finished, or the exotic spa you just visited in a foreign land, I will have no choice but to conclude that you’re a cruel and heartless individual. After all, I’m currently sitting in a pair of 7-year-old cat-hair-covered sweatpants half-watching some sort of stupid special on Dateline.  Show a little respect for the rest of us and keep the details of your Sicilian summer home a tad more hush-hush, will you?

Seeing as how the above types of Facebook users are rarely my actual friends–more often than not I’m that girl they met briefly at a house party where I spilled PBR all over their nice new sweater (or something in that vein)–I can’t help but wonder what these people are like in real life. Is it possible that their unfortunate internet personas just aren’t doing their awesome personalities justice? Maybe they’re all really sweet people………..? I don’t have the answers to these burning questions, but I can offer you one thing–I’ll keep pointing my virtual finger in their direction if you do.